Yknow what? Fuck it, I was looking for a post about it and realised I can just make my own.
People saying Jack Black’s new YouTube channel is proof he’s part of some “reptilian government” or really anything about him that talks about him being related to anything reptilian is blatant antisemitism. Jack Black is a Jewish man. His mother is an ethnic Jew, his father’s a Jewish convert and he’s a practicing Jew raising his children Jewish.
And anyone who’s going head to head with the antisemites posting that stuff who say it’s “silly alt right conspiracies” or in any way belittles the reptilian stuff without acknowledging it’s antisemitic roots should Absolutely be held accountable for learning about why it’s antisemitic and arguing against it. You’re trivialising things used against Jews to harass and oppress us, and you need to stop, get educated, and care about Jews.
first im going to preface this review with this: im sick. i caught a cold on the way home from reno and spent the day recovering watching this garbage instead of doing anything that required a working brain. i knew i wasn’t going to get anything mind-blowing but “bird box” teeters heavily on “insultingly bad” instead of just “bad” and it kept me mad about having wasted two hours of my life for a solid 24 hours straight.
so if this review doesn’t make sense, its partly because im sick, and partly bc this movie doesn’t make sense. this review is also impossible to structure because i dont even know where to begin. maybe here: the directing is derivative, boring and bad. its like watching paint dry. the whole movie looks like your grandma’s house smells.
to re-iterate: this movie is 2 hours long. i’ll save you 2 hours by telling you that you never see the monster, ever. sandra bullock admitted to laughing out loud repeatedly on set at the monster when it was revealed to her which lead to it being cut from the movie. if we had seen the monster, maybe the movie would have been bumped up from a d- to a c+ just because the mental image of a long green baby with john malkovich’s voice is pretty funny.
the bird box, probably
for a movie about a monster, this movie has a serious monster problem. in that the monster is not a problem. the monster (which is never given a name in the movie) can’t seem to actually do anything to you if you don’t look at it. its only power seems to be making you kill yourself when you see it (unless you’re crazy which, thats a whole other kettle of fish. give me a minute). so if you don’t look at it you’re fine? there’s several points in the movie where the monster is physically close to them but doesn’t actually do anything except beg them to take off their blindfolds and look at them. its almost pathetic. as far as i can tell, the monster’s only powers are to make leaves fly upward for no reason (i.e. to indicate its in the area without the camera having to focus on anything specific) and yell at you. but, like, as long as you don’t take off your blindfold (and somehow, people do in this movie) then you’re probably fine.
now, if you’re “crazy” (I KNOW YOU’RE ALREADY ASKING QUESTIONS HOLD ON) then looking at the monster turns you into a stereotypical evangelist for an eldritch horror. you run around saying “crazy” things that read like enemy npc chatter in ps2 era survival horror game. for example:
then, you spend all your time trying to get people to look at it by holding their eyes open. “bird box” does not bother to explain what “crazy” means in this context. according the the story, roving gangs of tokyo-drifting escaped asylum patients rule the post-apocalyptic landscape of the pacific northwest. its impossible to tackle how many layers of like morally wrong it is to yet again shove the mentally ill into the role of antagonists
(im getting exhausted just thinking about piling up all the reasons this is so fucking bad)
to the point of making them a fucking enemy class. its almost more succinct just to point out that “bird box” thinks mental illness is an on/off switch you toggle rather than a spectrum. i know this movie is a relic of the past (dec 2018) but i feel like this is such a basic fact about the world as we know it today that the decision to ignore it makes me wonder if the writer was operating under the assumption that horror monster “rules” need to be clearly defined as though they were conceived for use in a videogame.
if_crazy=“yes”, then bird=box
speaking of the titular “bird box”: the movie is called that because they literally keep birds. in a box. the birds tell you when the monster is coming, so you can put on your blindfold. but heres the thing: the monster makes GGGGRRRRRROOORRORORO sounds nonstop when its running around in the area. you know when it’s coming. you can hear it coming from a mile away. so there’s really no point in having, a bird box. at one point the monster is so loud they can’t hear the birds over its roaring. whats the point of the birds? as it turns out, the birdbox, is useless. much lIKE THIS MOVI
this movie is a never ending cascade of cliches and stolen plot points, characters, ideas. it steals from “the happening” (blatantly, its the same movie right down to the ugly color scheme of every frame), “dawn of the dead”, “pontypool”, “the mist” and pretty much every post-apocalyptic monster movie ever. bd wong is confirmed as a gay man literally 2 minutes before he dies on screen. the black comedic lead dies next. a pregnant woman is introduced and you’ll NEVER guess what happens to her. you could set your watch to this movie. its pathetic.
welp, he’s dead
i’m going to link this guy’s deconstruction of the weird incestual overtones that are also impossible to miss and interpret without wanting to die.
im getting exhausted again. this movie is not fun bad. this post is to serve as a warning to the curious. in fact, im going to spoil the end for you, so you truly understand why i’m so fucking mad. i want you, right now, to imagine based on what i’ve told you what the most hackney, cliche, stupid, moronic ending twist could be to this movie about a monster you can’t look at. fully form it in you head. dare to imagine the dumbest thing you can.
ready?
YOU SEE
im reblogging this again bc the ppl in the notes who are mad as hell are cracking me up
that last piece reminds me of that story that guy wrote about working at radioshack while it was falling to shit. it was hilariously well-written, but the reality of the situation really was grim. i have to find it and link it because it is so good
Dads be like. I have trauma. I will never talk about or acknowledge this. One day u will come across a picture of my childhood and realize that I have a entire flesh and blood brother still alive who I have never mentioned or acknowledged. Anyway why dont you tell me anything about ur fucking life.
This is a great piece. Highlights from the 13 dietitians:
“To people who are curious about my approach, I explain that weight does not dictate health, and there is no way of predicting what someone’s healthiest weight is. Even if we could, 95–97% of purposeful weight loss attempts fail. Instead, I help my clients build sustainable habits that aren’t built on restriction, and let their body settle at whatever size it’s supposed to be.”
“I started reading the scientific literature and going to conferences, and the evidence for HAES and intuitive eating was undeniable. I came to realize that practicing within this anti-diet paradigm was the only way to help clients truly, fully recover.”
“With all of the research we have supporting the negative physiological and psychological effects of dieting and pursuit of weight loss, I find it unethical to approach nutrition counseling with the old diet/weight-loss paradigm.”
“… our society requires that we be a certain size and at a certain level of health. I work with clients to dismantle that for themselves and to become aware of behaviors that are no longer working for them. Weight is not the issue — whether or not the body loses weight is up to the body, not up to the client or me, for that matter.”
“Now my nutrition therapy is rooted in evidence-based science as well as almost 20 years of clinical observation. I help people move toward health using only weight inclusive and non-diet theories and interventions. That means I don’t use the scale as a measure of progress because for most people it keeps the focus off health and promotes unhealthy attitudes toward body image and self-worth.”
“I provide education on the harmful effects of counting calories, points, macros, weight, steps, etc., and help them move away from quantifying health. In the beginning I have to debunk incorrect nutrition information and provide them with a model of eating that is adequate and balanced. I also help them redefine what ‘health’ is. Our culture essentially defines health by size and appearance. So we have to rewrite all of that and think of it as much more multifaceted.”
imagine my surprees when i learned that there is more to the “mrs. obama it’s been an honor” joke than just that one line and it has nonblack people in the replies of tweets yelling “nigger!!!” and “let [x person] say the n-word!”
feels about the same when i discovered the real joke behind the knuckles jokes
I…didn’t know that. I was more than willing to defend Tom Nook for his “loan” with 0 interest, no deadline and no pressure or need to pay, but I’m impressed he still makes cash somehow and just donates it, while maintaining his “slimy businessman” reputation like some sort of furry The Boss…
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